The No Name Diary

When I was about 16, my dad took out a chess board I’d never seen before. It had emerald pieces; on one side a deep dark green set was lined up, and on the other a much lighter blue colour. I was awed by the perfect and enlarged reflection it produced on the ceiling of our dining room. Pensive, he placed it on the table and paused before he spoke.

“This is a different game of chess son. The pieces are moved by your mind, but subconsciously. If you’d like to play, then from now on the game will be in progress. Neither of us can choose exactly, but when moves are made the board will appear, just as you can see it above us now. It follows the same rules but it’s more of an exercise in observation…¨

“Ok”

He placed his palm in the middle of the board and it illuminated the contours of his fingers, he then made me do the same.

“Now I’ve played this game once before with your grandad,” he said, then muttered almost to himself, “I wonder if my first move will be the same as it was then…”

He looked intently at the board for a moment and then one of the light blue pawns slid forward to the middle of the board. He smiled.

“Was it the same move?” I asked.

“Not exactly”

It was my turn, he beckoned me towards the board. I stared at it for a moment expectantly. Then one of my knights jumped over the row of pawns and placed itself on C3.

I think back to that moment now, decades having passed, along with a lot of water under the bridge. I remember the slight narrowing of my father’s eyes and the concerned look which had briefly flashed across his face before it was masked, and he met my stare with that usual affable smile of his. I’m in a bad place tonight, I sit here scratching my head, in a bind and stuck in a rut. After months of inactivity his remaining bishop moves, the same seemingly eternal game suddenly illuminating itself and casting its image onto the ceiling. It isn’t looking very good for me right now, but it isn’t a forcing move. I start to imagine what a couple of ways back into the game might be. A game that since I was a teen, has controlled me and has been controlled by me in equal measure.